where does the king keep his armies?

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:18:04 GMT

we saw roman last night. he is seriously schizophrenic or something lately. he twitches a lot. not only does he think i'm a witch that travels through walls, he also thinks that my baby will be posessed by satan unless he is christened at an orthodox church. he told me that in russia, when he was child a man with red eyes, covered in chains came to him and wanted to turn him into a devil's disciple but because he was orthodox he couldn't be taken away. haha.

my shrink will probably freak out when he finds out i'm pregnant, and lock me up somewhere. and fuck, i have to start packing because apparently we're moving to calif. soon. this will be the third time i move to california in the last three years. FML.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:37:12 GMT

I am honestly really scared about this whole baby business. I can't stop worrying about how irresponsible I am and how unhealthy my lifestyle is. I am a sedentary, chain-smoking, anxious, junk food addict. And a lazy one at that. Everyone's all like, HEY this is your chance to mature. It's just that it's the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and I want my baby to be healthy and happy and it's creepy to think that it's inside of me right now. I guess it's true what Ayn Rand says about evading reality, you can't evade the consequences of evading reality. Not that being pregnant is a consequence. I just feel so overwhelmed.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 10:17:54 GMT

yesterday i took a test and it was positive. i don't know what to do now and apparently i have to start seeing a medical professional but tbh the healthcare system in japan sucks. also i am unemployed so i have no financial means of taking care of a child or even to pay for hospital visits. i suddenly have so much respect for every mother who's gone through all of this because i'm so stressed i have a panic attack approx. every second hour.

everyone else around me is fine. my friends are all offering congratulations, sasha is thrilled, sasha's parents are chill about it and my folks are like k cool. and it seems like i'm the only one freaking out and getting hormonal in everyone's face. even hearing people on some dumb community tell me i'm ugly made me lash out at sasha and start screaming, crying, etc. oh my god i think i should be chained to a wall for the next nine months because i don't feel emotionally stable. it's nice to have sasha around obv, but I wish more of my close friends were in tokyo. i just feel like i need some srs~ emotional support right now.

anyways i'm thinking of joining some teen pregnancy community with those trashy chicks with the fruity animated icons and shit. which means i also have to get one of those countdown stick things that they all have in their userinfo.

since i don't have a job now i just sit around watching pretty persuasion over and over and tending to my roses. my parents and in-laws say my childhood is offically over and i can't party anymore but tbh i was all partied out at age 17 and have been a boring haus frau ever since anyways. on a lighter note, i have a job interview tommorow and i'd be making 40 bucks and hour for three/four hours a day which would be really helpful. also a rep from samantha thavasa wants me to model so i might do that... i can do samantha thavasa handbags better than beyonce.

ROYKSOPP'S NEW ALBUM!!! i am so excited. happy up here has an amazing video but the song is a bit disappointing. hopefully their other tracks are better.

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:00:55 GMT

i think i'm going to start writing in here.

went to the womb adventure party in makuhari messe with sasha and nikita. sasha and i got all dressed up in our new matching john & yoko shirts and we were all semi excited to see hadouken and shitdisco. we weren't on the guestlist because shitdisco apparently like to lie to their "fans" on myspace so we had to sneak in through the backdoor. it was lame so we left after eating a lot of green curry from a truck.

now i am sitting with my boyfriend and i discovered that bone thugs and harmony are actually pretty hard. the only songs i'd heard up until recently were crossroads and that mariah carey my-cousin's-suicide song.

yeahhh i can't write with a lot of gusto right now because i have to apparently download sims.

there are a lot of africans in roppongi bearing "brooklyn" hats. what's that about. they are like WEST SIDE and my boyfriend is like yeah, WEST SIDE GHANA. he taught me how to say some offensive stuff in russian but i won't write it here 'cause i'm all about keeping the peace.

everyone in tokyo hates me now. i was at sheesha the other day and these int'l school girls were like whispering about me so i was like WHO ARE THESE BITCHES and i refused to shake hands with one girl. i'm gonna try and be nicer from now on but i think it was just that i was drunk after a long dry spell.

of love that travelled far and found me

Tue, 20 May 2008 19:15:43 GMT

the fundamental difference between my relationship with sasha and my former relationships is that i'm not scared to death we are going to break up- it's just really easy to love him.
all i want is like a nice, quiet life of moral work and good clean fun- i guess i'm very much a square virgo girl at heart.

hayate, my everything:

we are usually a lot cuter collectively but i have a 103 degree fever.

she moves she

Sun, 18 May 2008 19:23:49 GMT

my flatmate slash best friend caitlyn got arrested two days ago for posession of weed, e, coke, acid, molly, shrooms, and i don't even know what else. my friend davey had come over the night before and we drank a few bottles of wine before we dyed his hair fire engine red and i was already slightly loopy 'cause my beautiful boyfriend had just left for tokyo that day :((( i was passed out on the couch and 8 narcotics dealers came in with a search warrant and pulled my roommate outside and searched our apartment fully. my roommate told them (truthfully) that none of the drugs were mine and i don't smoke weed even. they were all really nice and they hardly asked me any questions 'cause i told them they could test me for anything and they weren't going to find anything in my room. i was nervously telling them stories about my boyfriend and like, "oh on my laptop there is a picture of me pretending to blow lines of coke but it isn't really coke even... it's just splenda. i can show you the facebook note i wrote explaining that it's just splenda... blah blah blah" i'm sure they realized i was ditzy and oblivious beyond belief but they told my roomie that i was a "delight". they didn't charge me for anything, which is kind of crazy considering the amounts of stuff they found in our place. caitlyn got taken away with like, a 75 thousand dollar bail.

but yeah they bailed caitlyn out yesterday and i halfway expected she would come out this intense gangsta bitch with cornrows (which mainly combats the lice infestation) but she was as chipper and pretty as usual and getting ready to speak her piece once she finds a good lawyer. things are going to be okay, i think? i don't know. i kind of want to get the fuck out of california and be with my boyfriend in tokyo because being here gives me all sorts of anxiety. my dad sent me a plane ticket back and told me he wouldn't speak to me until i returned home, so that's kind of something else to worry about.

sasha and i have been dating for two weeks now and i've NEVER been happier with anyone. we've liked each other for years and it's just such a relief we're finally together. he is sexy and hilarious and constantly calling and texting to make sure i'm safe. we're crazy on each other and the three weeks he spent here were the best in my life. we took hedonisitic bubble baths (smoking, drinking, listening to music, taking scandalous pictures) and took trips to santa monica to visit old friends and i had a 105 degree fever for awhile and i could hardly roll over in bed and he took care of me like none other. he bought me healthy food for my recovery and cleaned my room and took my temperature and sat beside me and held my hand for hours. he is fucking perfect, although slightly crazy. we are really made for each other and he is legitimate because he is russian and understands love in a way that some fickle american dude couldn't.

i am just confused and overwhelmed right now because so much is going on and i haven't really allowed myself to sit and think and strategize about my next move. when did life get so crazy?

thank god for sasha, i just adore him to fucking pieces.

i have loads more pictures but i'm a little antsy and need to make myself useful to people that need me. right now i'm sitting in my gold bikini watching ali g on my laptop chainsmoking filterless lucky strikes like i've got a death wish. I AM GOING TO STEAM CLEAN MY CARPETS AHORA.

new journal etc etc

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 08:46:04 GMT

most likely friends only because i am a proper creeper and probably think relationships with people in my life are more intimate than they really are and i don't want them to know, haha

i don't take life too seriously
who says "men must understand their unimportance to know what is truly important"? i like that, although i think i'm remembering it wrong

i also like the sabian oracle and smoking a lot and generally being rascally